{Movie Review} This is How We Stay Alive: Terror Train (2022) on Tubi

“What could you possibly be worried about? We’re on a train.”

It has been a minute since I saw the original Terror Train from 1980 (which is also available on Tubi), but I remember it as a largely undistinguished slasher from the heyday of the form, memorable mostly for its party train setting, its stunt casting of David Copperfield, and its place in the pantheon of movies that established Jamie Lee Curtis as a scream queen. What makes all that relevant here is that Tubi’s 42-years-later remake is also a largely undistinguished slasher, without all those other elements to secure its place in the canon.

In fact, this new take on Terror Train is almost slavishly devoted to the structure of the original. The prank that sets everything in motion is identical. Even the names of the characters, the nature of their costumes, and the order of their demise is almost beat for beat the same, with Groucho Marx subbed out for a creepy clown, heavily utilized in the film’s marketing. The new screenplay is credited to Ian Carpenter and Aaron Martin, creators of Shudder’s Slasher TV series, but it should really give some credit to the original screenwriters as well, given how much of their work is repurposed here.

Naturally, some aspects of the plot have been updated. The cast is more diverse this time around, with our final girl Alana being played by Utopia Falls’ Robyn Alomar. Most of the rest is just lip service, though. The requisite frat asshole, Doc, now uses the term “snowflake” and refers to himself as being “canceled,” while the more progressive frat president reminds everyone to get consent before engaging in any sexual acts.

Because the beats of the original are being followed so closely, however, we’re left with a film that speaks in modern parlance but tracks a more standard slasher “morality” where its victims are concerned. Our final girl may not be virginal, but she is monogamous, and we never see her use anything heavier than a few drinks, as her polyamorous friends do. Naturally, they’re on the chopping block, where she is not. It never feels mean-spirited, just sometimes at odds with the film’s attempt at a more progressive bent.

One of the better changes this new Terror Train makes from the blueprint of the original is to move the festivities from New Year’s Eve to Halloween, though you probably wouldn’t know it if people on the train didn’t occasionally remind you by saying, “It’s Halloween!” While the costume party vibe is kept throughout, that was true in the original, as well, and there’s not a lot of Halloween atmosphere beyond an understated decoration here and there. However, the seasonal shift does do something for the plot, helping to sell the idea that some of the carnage is actually just bloody practical jokes, which feels a lot more credible on Halloween than New Year’s.

Though lit and shot like network TV, this new Terror Train mostly looks fine, and in some ways the overlit style is a relief after unnecessarily dark fare such as Hulu’s new Hellraiser, which didn’t actually bother me much, but I saw numerous complaints about it being color corrected to be too dark to see, a problem with a lot of modern horror cinema, especially on streaming services. Say what you want about Terror Train, but you can always see what’s going on – it’s probably no surprise that director Philippe Gagnon’s filmography is pretty much entirely TV movies.

What is perhaps surprising, given the way the film looks, is that Tubi’s Terror Train is also solidly rated R. None of the gore gags are especially inventive, but there’s plenty of red stuff, characters drop a few F-bombs, and there’s even a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it unmotivated topless scene, in proper slasher fashion. Even the new magician (played by Mutt from Schitt’s Creek) has an “edgier” act, more closely resembling “rock-and-roll magician” Ricky Nightshade from Community than the original film’s David Copperfield.

While this Terror Train offers a (slightly) different twist than its predecessor, the “who” in the film’s “whodunit” is painfully obvious almost from the jump. In fact, given the internal meta logic of a film like this, there’s really only one person it could be, despite deploying most of the same red herrings that the original did. The resolution may provide a nod to films like Friday the 13th, but it isn’t exactly going to pull the rug out from under anyone’s feet.

In spite of all the negatives I’ve piled up here, Terror Train, like its namesake, is a surprisingly good time. There’s nothing that’s going to blow your skirt up, but for a by-the-numbers slasher on a Halloween party train, it’s a fine enough way to spend a fairly tight 90 minutes, especially around this time of year.