Journal of Black Ivy

Journal of Black Ivy 1.3: “Number 1 Host” by Mark Mills

Excerpt Show 1“–same old policy of taxing the hard-working American, rewarding the lazy liberal lay-abouts. Folks, this has been the bleeding-heart’s game plan for the last 70 years and it’s only dug us deeper and deeper in debt, depravity, and damnation. That’s the different between liberals and true Americans like you and me–when we see a problem, we think of a solution. When a lib sees a problem, he cries for the government to throw money at it.“Don’t believe me? Well, have you heard about the latest government-supported wacko who wants FEMA to roll into his clinic in LaLa Land because some of his junkies are running a fever? He says he’s never seen any infectious disease like this. As if he’s seen everything under the sun.“So what does he do? Does he roll up his sleeves and work? Does he ask his drugged-out pals in Hollywood for a helping hand? No, he opens the Big Book of Liberal Lies and Larceny and reads page one: ‘Blame honest hard-working Americans for your problems.’ Aw, do his big bunch of local losers have upset tummies? Well, I for–

Work by Grave Roberts
Art By Grave Roberts

Art by Grave Roberts Excerpt Show 2 “–from your encyclopedia of the AM, your 25-hour truth detector, the cutter of liberal red tape and pinko policies, your number one host on Free World radio: Bill Bolloom! [pause for station identification]“Oh, and do you remember the sick junkies I told you about last Thursday? The prime consumer of socialized medicine? It seems like not taking responsibility for their own personal health and hygiene is more popular in the inner city than making a baby with a crack whore and applying for welfare.” [laughs] “Somehow these liberal do-dumbers are trying to tell us that it’s our problem that these precious little crack angels are feeling woozy after freaking out with heroin, crack, and PCP. And don’t forget the crystal meth–I’m sure there’s sick white trash, too. “I’ve got a caller on line four to tell us all about it.” [pause] “You’re on the air, Steve.”“Am I on?”“You’re on, Steve.”“Oh, good.”“Do you have a comment, Steve?”“Uh, yeah. You were talking about what’s going on in California. My brother’s got a friend in L.A. and he’s seen some of the zombies.”“Zombies? Well, you do see a lot of brain-dead progressive types in the Left Coast.”“No, I mean real zombies. They don’t breathe anymore and their eyes are all white. When you get close enough to one, it–”“Okay, Jeff from Little Rock, you’ve have some advice about beating the federal tax racketeers at their own game.”“Indeed, Bill. First time caller, long time listener, but I’ve finally had all the tyranny from the federal government as I’m willing to–”

Excerpt Show 3“–any excuse to cram more anti-business federal regulations down our throats.“I’ve been keeping you well abreast about the epidemic sweeping through southern California, brought on, no doubt, by immoral living, lawlessness, and general perversion. We’ve been receiving conflicted reports but it seems the locals are rioting again with reports of grisly murders and gang gunfire that could only come from a blue state.“The mayor of LaLa Land is missing. Is he running from his responsibilities in typical Democrat fashion? Is he languishing in a drug-fueled stupor in the bedroom of a cross-dressing porn star? Or is he the victim of the very destructive policies that he and his liberal cronies have been inflicting on the area? Whatever his sorry excuse, you can bet liberals will try to blame everything on honest working Americans.“LA city council, or at least the ones who could be bothered to show up to work in time of crisis, declared a 24-hour curfew on the city. No one not approved by the local goon squad is permitted on the streets until the situation is remedied. [Pause] I hope they’re not holding their breath. . . or am I?”
[F/X: canned laughter]
“There you have it: if you’re a hard-working citizen, you can’t imagine having the government call the whole city in sick for work. I guess any excuse for slacking off is as good as another. On the positive side, the Department of Commerce is only expecting California to lose about six work-hours over the whole ordeal.”
“On a tragic note, the National Guard has been deployed towards the rioting areas of Los Angeles. Folks, I’ll look you in the eye and tell you that the best thing for our country would be if both liberal coasts fell into the sea but it breaks my heart that the loyal men of our military are put in harm’s way for the loony left’s latest failure. “If you remember back a few years, in Kansas–”

Art by Grave Roberts
Art by Grave Roberts

Excerpt Show 4“–spread as far as Utah. Do the brain-trusts have an explanation or solution? Probably, but it would involve disturbing the spotted owl so we’re all screwed. [pause] For your edification, I found a guest who fits squarely in the category of ‘you’ve-got-to-hear-this-to-believe-it.’“My guest Milton–seriously, he’s named Milton– Oberton was the drug-pushing socialist who first recognized the so-called disease, and when I say ‘recognized,’ I mean ran crying to Big Brother. And here he is, ready to explain why socialism is the best medicine, Mr. Miltie.”“Look, I’m not hear to argue about politics. I am the presiding chaplain of St. Jude’s Clinic, the site of the first recorded outbreak. All I want to do is explain how to stop this epidemic. If we act soon, it shouldn’t be a problem–there shouldn’t even be a large number of human life.”“So, Miltie, you don’t regard the brave members of the National Guard and Army reserves who were slaughtered by your customers to be human?”“Please, stop. The troops are not truly dead. The videos of bodies being torn apart look horrific but in truth, it was not fatal. Their cellular structure is still alive and can be reconstructed. This is not an invasion, it’s an epidemic, like the Influenza outbreak of 1918.”“Oh, so now that you’re on the air, you change your story–you’re saying the zombies don’t exist?”“It’s a misconception that anyone believes the inflicted are ‘zombies’ in the convention sense of the word. This is a disease, a disease from a virus only known to previous affected lower species. The virus has been isolated and the cure would be forthcoming if only we could receive just a fraction of the funding–”“Salvation through sucking on the government’s teat. So how is this zombie outbreak any different from any of your other environmental hoaxes?”“I am not trying to debate, Mr. Bolloom. This is a cellular virus that converts every cell in the host’s body into an independent organism, reducing a human being into a bag of skin full of the equivalent of ameba or paramecium. These cells can work together as they used to but when severed from the others or when normally vital body systems are lost, they continue to operate.”“Operate? So, the state of California is giving zombies medical licenses?”“Please, sir. The mass of cells continues to live without a heart, without lungs, or a head. I have seen streams of blood flow across floors like slugs, patches of skin flap about like twisted butterflies; I have seen the remains of what was once human shot repeatedly in the head and chest and continue to forage.”“When I hear this, I think to myself: the libs must have decided to top their big lie of evolution and came up with this junk science. You can’t expect real Americans to swallow this without the slightest shred of proof.” “For the love of God, Mr. Bolloom, this is real. We have got to stop it before it’s too late.”         [snort] “Since when do you liberals care about God?”“Mr. Harding, I am a priest.”“A real priest only believes one man rose from the dead. I don’t know what you are.”        “For the love–”

Show 5: Excerpt 1“–and Yancy is claiming that he saw one of the sickos on his way home from work. [pause] He says, ‘Maybe they really are zombies.’ You know what I think? I think Yancy is bucking for a vacation and knows that with all the action on the Left Coast, prices are at rock bottom. [pause] He says, ‘So’s his salary.’“Funny guy, keep it up and you’ll have more than zombies to worry about.“But speaking of brain-dead worthless sacks of putrid flesh, did you catch the latest bungle from our friendly neighborhood spineless mayor? He says the city will go under martial law with–”

Show 5: Excerpt 2“–is demanding an apology, but you know me folks–I only apologize when I’m wrong and I haven’t been wrong yet. Yes, it’s been confirmed that the plague has reached us here in Houston but the odds of Yancy reporting anything correctly are about as long as a liberal seeing a flag and not setting it on fire.“We’re getting–what? [extended period of dead air]“Whoever is still listening, the highways are officially off limits. I’m being told that–[pause]–deathtraps. Stay off the roads. If you are within a building, lock and barricade the doors. This is not an exaggeration. I’m being told that the–

Show 5: Excerpt 3“–can hear me, we are still alive here. Please, send help. Outside the studio wall, I can see hundreds of them. Doesn’t have heads–strings, guts, coming out of them. Breaking apart, bringing red bottles– [prolonged period of dead air, punctuated by faint background screaming]“Gas cans. What they have. Gas cans. The ones that are walking, still have legs, they’ve carrying gas cans–they’re organized, thinking. From the gas station at the intersection of Burthing and Talbot. I can see them, like broken dolls and crawling intestines, all carrying gas cans to the building. They’re going to burn me alive. Please, answer someone, please, God please–[incoherent sobbing]

Show 5: Final Excerpt“–none of them still operating. It’s only me. Only me. Liberal lawmaking, lazy [incoherent] Show that will never, ever end. The man who never stops talking.“The lights are back on. Full power. They aren’t going to burn me. The gas was for the station’s generators. They know everything about the place. I saw them take apart Fieder and Kratz. Took them apart and read them. [distortion] They’re keeping the station running. I’m the number one, only one of the time slot. They’re keeping me on the air. They used to listen to me. They’re my fanbase.“Rivers of blood, flowing by itself up the streets. Not trying to look human anymore. Eyeballs swimming in it. Staring at me. Outside the window, all the parts of people. Baby parts, eyes, all over. Looking in on me. Tried to shut it [long pause] not letting me shut. . .“I see past the blood. The gas station, still pumping gas. Just arms and hands, crawling like crabs. Working the handles, filling the cans.“Yancy! His face, it’s–the rest of him? What? [pause]“I was right like always. There never [pause] never any zombies. Fingers and dancing livers. No concern for me. Not much worse than my old audience, am I right? Don’t send help. I don’t need it. I’m not worried. My fans. “I don’t need government handouts. Take your time, I’m self-sufficient. I’ve got the parts right where I want them. They’ll never hurt me. I’ll keep going. Never make me stop. Don’t drink their Kool Ade–I can keep talking for as long as I want.“For as long as I want–”

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