Something Weird on TV: Monsters Part Eleven – Inconvenient Monsters

So, as you can probably guess, things were supposed to go differently. Last month’s column was supposed to appear in October, instead of near the end of November, and there was supposed to be a twelfth column to follow this one. However, things happened, as they sometimes do, and so instead there’s going to be this one extra-long eleventh installment Something Weird on TV that will wrap up our coverage of Monsters by finishing out the last dozen episodes of the show.

With so many episodes to cover, even in an unusually long column, we’ll inevitably have to give a few of them short shrift, but there’s still a lot to look forward to this time around, including stories penned by the likes of Stephen King, Gahan Wilson, Paul Dini, and Frank Belknap Long, as well as starring turns by John Saxon, Tony Shalhoub, Luis Guzman, Pam Grier, and Tom Noonan, to name a few.

We start with “Malcolm,” the second episode written and directed by actor Tom Noonan. For those who remember his previous episode, it will come as no surprise that this one is heavy on symbol and yet produced with down-to-earth restraint, especially compared to much of the rest of this series and despite a particularly surreal central premise in which a guy who used to play clarinet in a band has what seems to be his creative impulse surgically removed.

This is followed up by “Household Gods,” another episode written by series regular Edithe Swensen, this time dealing rather cynically with subjects of women’s liberation and domesticity. Like many of Swensen’s contributions, it’s not a home run, but the monster is suitably creepy and the (literal) wink toward the complicity of the patriarchy at the end is a nice touch.

Adapted from a story of the same name by Frank Belknap Long, “The Space Eaters” deals with a lot of unlikely scientific theory (the story was originally published in 1928) but is a standout episode thanks to its old-timey style and the unlikely appearance of the eponymous creatures, which look like giant glowing eyeballs.

The story in question has its own interesting history. Originally appearing in an issue of Weird Tales, it is widely considered the first “Cthulhu Mythos” story not written by Lovecraft himself. Long was a friend of Lovecraft’s and the two characters in the original story – not coincidentally named “Frank” and “Howard” – are seen as stand-ins for the pair.

“The Space Eaters” was directed by Robert T. Megginson, who also adapted the story. His only other directing credit is a 1977 movie called Pelvis which is about what you might imagine from that title, but his other writing credits include the 1986 “classic” F/X, which saw regular play on the pay movie channels when I was a kid.

The adaptation changes a lot from the original story, including what the monsters look like, and what it is that gets rid of them. In Long’s original tale, it is the sign of the cross, though not for religious reasons. In this version, it’s a radioactive isotope, which is probably an easier sell.

Our next episode stars none other than John Saxon and was written by Neal Marshall Stevens. Stevens will be a familiar name to longtime readers, as he’s written several other episodes of the series, including one earlier this season. This isn’t one of his best, but it’s a solid enough example of what we’ve come to expect from this series, in which Saxon plays a man who has a one-night stand with a mysterious woman on his wedding night, and later pays the price – or maybe his son does. The setup is a bit confusing, but the atmosphere is solid enough.

Penned by Gahan Wilson, “Leavings” is, perhaps unsurprisingly, a particularly well-written episode of Monsters that uses telling a lot more than showing. As two cops – one of them played by an early-career Tony Shalhoub – recount the strange things they’ve been seeing in the subways, it seems that their boss may already know more about it than he’s letting on. There are several oddities in this episode, but one of the most notable may be that it actually contains some of the show’s only nudity, in the form of an exposed breast on the composite monster at the end, which the episode may have gotten away with due to the fact that it’s obviously a prosthesis.

“Desirable Alien” features another actor relatively early in his career, as Luis Guzman plays a supporting role in a semi-comedic episode about a satyr trying to apply for U.S. citizenship – and ultimately coming at the problem from a different angle. It’s yet another episode penned by Edithe Swensen, and helmed by another Monsters alum, Bette Gordon, who also directed several other episodes going back as far as the first season. There’s a walk-on part for Videodrome’s Debbie Harry, too, as well as a little more nudity, this time in the form of paintings and frescoes.

In “A Face for Radio,” so-called “trash TV” pioneer Morton Downey Jr. (no relation to Robert) essentially plays himself as a radio talk show host who demeans his guests, all of whom claim some sort of psychic ability or paranormal experience. Naturally, he meets his match in a seductive visitor who claims to have been abducted by aliens, and to have returned with a solution to evil in the world – which is, of course, a creepy puppet monster in a box. Oddly enough, though it’s not a particularly striking monster, it is one of the ones most often used in the show’s publicity.

As you may have noticed, there haven’t been a lot of overtly comedic episodes as we close out the series, which is for the best. “Werewolf of Hollywood” isn’t one, either, but it’s the kind of “insider baseball” that programs like this loved to do, lampooning the world of showbiz. In it, Richard Belzer, who would shortly become a fixture on shows like Homicide and Law & Order, plays a Hollywood screenwriter who suspects that his producer is a werewolf.

“Talk Nice to Me” is mostly a one-man show for Ed Marinaro (Joe Coffey on Hill Street Blues) who plays a womanizer who is harassed and stalked by a seductive woman’s voice on the phone. When he finally meets her in the episode’s unlikely twist, she turns out to be both more and less than she seems. The seductive voice comes to us courtesy of Gilligan’s Island’s own Ginger, Tina Louise, while the episode was written by Paul Dini of Batman: The Animated Series fame. Sharp-eyed readers will remember that Dini previously penned a lamentable comedy episode back in the show’s second season.

From there, things get a little odd. We should follow that up with “Hostile Takeover,” a rather literal take on the idea of “voodoo economics” from the pen of mystery writer Jonathan Valin, co-starring Pam Grier, and then “The Maker,” a story about a drunk who can conjure things from his imagination, but they always turn out wrong. However, the last three episodes on the final disc of the DVD release of Monsters seem to be out of order, so those two episodes come after the final episode, rather than before.

Which is a shame, because “The Moving Finger” really is where you want to end this show. It originally aired on April 26, 1991, following “The Maker” earlier in April and “Hostile Takeover” back in February of that year. It’s also another episode from a story by Stephen King, this time one that had just been published for the first time the year before.

“The Moving Finger” stars Tom Noonan as a mild-mannered CPA who begins seeing a long, many-knuckled finger poking its way up out of the drain in his bathroom sink. The episode follows King’s story pretty closely, and the image of the finger is at once absurd and yet also genuinely creepy. Noonan helps sell the rather ridiculous final act, and the episode is one of the better directed in the series. More to the point, it’s a good place to end on, even if you won’t actually be ending there, if you watch the DVD as it’s laid out.

And that’s it for Monsters! As a show, it probably never reached the heights of the things it was following, but its mids were usually fairly reliable, and there were some quality monsters sprinkled throughout. Moreover, it will always hold a special place in my monster-loving heart, partly because nostalgia is a hell of a drug.

What’s next for you intrepid TV watchers? We’re always staying up late and trying to find Something Weird on TV, and next year we’ll be turning the dial to a scratchy station that only comes in very sporadically to catch a few horror series from overseas, starting with the Spanish classic, Tales to Keep You Awake. So, keep your proverbial dial tuned right here and join us next time as we watch Something Weird on TV!