Hail Julian, the red-headed uncle we wish we all had. He’s obnoxious, elitist, impatient, and above all else, he is the funniest person on television right now.
Oh, Julian, the formerly wine-swilling, drug-snorting, perpetually around, sardonic dilettante we have all come to adore. Rupert Grint’s sarcastic laggard has money seemingly without working and very little interest in anything beyond vices. He is the surprise hit of Apple TV+’s Servant. Who knew sweet Ron Weasley would grow up and become such a foul-mouthed jewel of continuous joy? He’s the dark-hearted little brother of Dorothy’s who’s always quick with a quip and surprisingly sage advice. A little levity is needed in a series as shrouded in shadow as Servant.
Our ginger warrior is as good for a laugh as he is at protecting his damaged sister. He’s an equal opportunity humorist, too, using song lyrics, acidic barbs, and clever comebacks. He says all the things we are thinking but are too polite to say out loud. With all the strangeness and oppressive dread, it’s hard sometimes to remember all the hilarious things he has said. With Season 3 having just ended explosively, it’s time to celebrate all things Juju.
Julian’s best zingers from Season 1
He’s working on a day rate and number, f@$king one, we can trust him. Julian says this about Roscoe in Season 1. This was our first introduction to Roscoe, and knowing what we do now, I bet Julian wishes he never got him involved. What a disaster that turned out to be.
We’re here. Buttf@$k Wisconsin.-Julian and Rosco go to Wisconsin to find anyone who knows Leanne. He calls Sean from Wisconsin to report they are driving to Leanne’s town.
You’re at the grownup table now. If you want to get to Dorothy, you’re going to have to go through me.– Julian says this to Leanne as a warning not to try to extort money or hurt Dorothy. Who doesn’t love a brother who protects his sister so fiercely?
Julian’s 160 pounds, and most of that’s cocaine. Technically this one is about Julian, not from Julian. It’s one of the rare occasions Sean gets a chance to show he can be just as funny as his brother-in-law.
Wine, by the bucket.- Julian says this to Leanne during the dinner party with Natalie. Dorothy is in the dark about what happened to Julian, and Natalie is determined to force her to face the truth. The men are equally determined to keep her asleep.
You’re a real-life wackjob, aren’t you?- Poor Julian is just beginning to understand how seriously messed up this situation is. He was on babysitter duty while Dorothy, Sean, Tobe, and Leanne were on dates. He checks on the baby and finds the doll instead. When Leanne returns home, she taunts him pushing him to the edge.
Julian’s greatest lines from Servant Season 2
What are you suggesting? We get him drunk, force a grenache down his neck, see if he talks?– Julian and Sean are trying to figure out what Roscoe saw in the days he’s been missing. The pair disagree slightly on the best way of yanking the information out of Roscoe’s addled brain.
Pretty f@$king please, with a cherry on top, will you hypnotize our friend. Can we scroll through the disclaimer, please?– These quotes come just a minute later after they call Natalie to help Roscoe remember. Julian does not think highly of those who are weak enough to be mesmerized.
There’s no such thing as a near-death experience. Okay, there’s a death experience and an alive experience, and there’s f@$k all in between.- Natalie brings out the rage in Julian while Dorothy is baby-talking her way through the Philadelphia nightly news. Thank God Melanie assured everyone she would be back on the desk tomorrow.
It’s disgustingly excessive. I want one.– Julian has tracked Leanne to the Marino house. The gated mansion is enormous. Although I would love the massive house, I don’t want to have to clean that place. However, this comment does make me very curious about where Julian lives. We have never seen his home, and I’m dying to know what it looks like.
Cheezus Crust-From God’s oven to your lips.-Easily one of the funniest episodes in any season, Pizza is bust a gut comical. As far as capers go, this is one of the most inventive ones. Not only does Sean create a fake pizza delivery business, but the trio and Tobe fill orders for neighbors while waiting for the Marinos to call. Comedy gold!
Mission accomplished. Welcome to the CI f@$king A.– Tobe is irritated that he has been roped into the pizza scam to spy on Leanne. Julian’s response is to welcome him to the spy hunt.
Appropriating a baby was one thing but imprisoning an eighteen-year-old girl you’ve abducted in your attic Is a whole new level of skullf@$kery.– It’s always good to have a line you won’t cross, and lucky for us, we still haven’t found it. Although it appears on the hierarchy of acceptable behavior, passing a magical kid off as your own is less bad than kidnapping your nanny.
I hate those people. It’s a level of self-control I can’t abide.– Sean tells Julian Dorothy has one bourbon a night, and Julian scoffs at her restraint. He’s nothing if he isn’t consistent.
Family first always.-He says this to Dorothy when they are trying to come up with enough money for the mall ransom. We love Julian’s ability to be so casually cruel and haughty but also love his family so ferociously.
Welcome to the jungle. It gets worse here every day.- While this is one of the best bands and songs from the ’80s, I’m not sure I would compare it to holy scripture. He quotes this to Uncle George, who quotes Deuteronomy at him first.
Okay, I’ve been in three fistfights in my life, and every single one of them was because of Dorothy. Bring on number four.- As Uncle George searches Leanne’s room for her, Julian takes off his jacket and prepares to throw down. Uncle fight!
I tried to punch him, but he wouldn’t let me.- Another jewel from Julian about the hilarious fight that never was, but I would have loved to see. Could there be anything better than watching Julian and George trying to windmill punch each other? You know Julian has zero fighting skills.
I’m stating the f@$king obvious, but your house isn’t equipped for the number of prisoners it currently accommodates.– Julian tells Sean this while Uncle George is in their house. He really is a wordsmith, and kudos for being chill about the fact that they have not one but two kidnap victims now.
Wrong decade George.– Obviously, this is in reference to the Betamax tape that appeared along with a box of things needed to purify/kill Leanne.
Disqualified for not understanding the simplest f@$king rule.– Kourtney, with a K, is not great at charades. She deserves to be chastised for speaking when she should be miming.
Julian was on fire in Season 3
Those midwest dead eyes. It’s not my fault all cults look the same. Put on a pair of sunglasses or something. Spice it up.– Julian isn’t completely wrong cult members all seem to be dead in the eyes. The midwest eyes part is bogus, though.
I feel like the creepy old f@$k who’s secretly sleeping with his sister’s traumatized nanny.- That’s because you really, really are! He goes on to tell her all the things she should look for in a boyfriend, like a good hairline, abs, and someone who isn’t soured by reality or intelligence. Julian believes ignorance is bliss.
Sean was talking about a beet latte. I won’t be party to that kind of horror.- Julian’s scorn isn’t reserved for only humans. He will also cut a vegetable or two if it gets too uppity, and beets are the Queen Bees of the root veggie world.
Well, first, our usual gym smells like an old man with an incurable staph infection.- This is his explanation to Roscoe why they are meeting outside. I have to be honest. This description makes me not want to return to the gym, ever.
Dude, there’s a line. And I’m not in it, asshole.– During the block party on steroids, Julian sidles up to Sean’s booth for a chat, and all the folks in line are understandably irritated. Instead of explaining he was a friend and not a customer, he chose to call the guy in line a name and look his nose down at the commoners.
Well, this explains a lot. I liked you better when you were Godless. Yeah, I liked you better when you were a drunk.- Sean and Julian are low-key friend goals for us all. These two have been through literal Hell and back(and may still be there) and are still devoted to Dorothy and keeping the family together, even if they sometimes have to snipe at each other.
She wants me to convince you to climb every f@$king mountain.– Julian is telling Sean he was told to encourage him to do Gourmet Gauntlet, but he thinks it might wake up Sleeping Beauty. He’s not wrong.
Yeah, I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller.– Skee-Lo’s I Wish is classic ’90s hip-hop. It is also another example of how great Julian’s musical palate is.
Julian atheist, nihilist.– This is easily the best, most concise personal introduction I have ever heard.
Dorothy has a Master’s in WASP linguistics. And you just got roasted.-Dorothy is a Hermes clad viper, and poor Nancy walked right into her nest.
You get one. We get one. Balance is restored, and we all hurdle towards certain destruction anyway. Wheeeee!– Although this is another pessimistic Julianism, it might hint at what is really going on in Servant.
I don’t know. I don’t think he has enough faux exotic tattoos to be a real celebrity chef.- Julian declares this after seeing Sean’s promo for Gourmet Gauntlet. It is a great teaser. I would watch the crap out of a spin-off series. It gives a whole new meaning to Hell’s Kitchen.
Veera used to suck dick for Sudafed. She’s not an authority on anything.– During the disastrous attempt to send Leanne away to dance camp, Julian tries everything he can to make Dorothy understand that this is a terrible idea. It’s harsh but probably not untrue.
Sean, you need to get here now. It’s raining sh@t. Call me.- Dorothy’s unsuccessful attempt to get Leanne institutionalized has Julian scared. He shouldn’t have been worried, though. Leanne had it all under control.
Oh, you pickleballed f@$k.– This lovely expletive was hurled at Dr. MacKenzie, who, along with her father, was trying to get her committed or at least heavily medicated. Dorothy is unhinged, but to be fair, she has a history of erratic behavior, and the boys have not done her any favors with all their lies.
And I told our ass of a father if he ever forgets his keys or a single lyric to a Steely Dan song, I’m having him locked up for dementia.– Julian and Sean are rallying around Dorothy following her forced medication in the previous episode. Rikki Don’t Lose My Number is more proof that Julian’s taste in music is impeccable.
It’s f@$king nectar ambrosia. Zeus himself is still sitting on his bottles.-At Dorothy’s last meal, before trying to leave with Jericho, she makes a fancy dish and offers up their dead mother’s expensive wine they had been saving for a special occasion. The evening turned out to be special, all right.
As the Managing Editor for Signal Horizon, I love watching and writing about genre entertainment. I grew up with old-school slashers, but my real passion is television and all things weird and ambiguous. My work can be found here and Travel Weird, where I am the Editor in Chief.